‘My Last Day’ at office

Dear Co-Workers and Managers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave,
I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and
distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”

For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day
leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please
know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack
of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude
you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and
present but with the exception of the wonderful Saroj Hariprashad: in an
age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed
and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation,
ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to
admit his mistake – it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to
me.

Over the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask
for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough
to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide
variety of seemingly identical projects – an invaluable lesson in
overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily
tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace
knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “meets
expectation.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy
after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets
expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks Trish!

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other
within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on
the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye
contact.

But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my
personalized notes of farewell:

To Philip Cress, I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing
while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about
Joe Cobbinah were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain
the strength to apologize to him.

To Brenda Ashby whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats
you as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any
manager in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take
credit for my work was truly demoralizing.

To Sylvia Keenan, you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet
heart. Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when
your talking about someone who knows your disgusting secrets.  ; )

To Bob Malvin (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back
bone. You threw me to the wolves with that witch Brenda and I learned
all too much from it. I still can’t believe that after following your
instructions, I ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the
experience buddy, lesson learned.

Don Merritt (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I’m happy that you were let go in the
same manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing
you on the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be
for you fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me
nearly vomit. I never expected to see management benefit financially
from the suffering of scores of people but then again, with this
company’s rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.

To all of the executives of this company, Jamie Dimon and such. Despite
working through countless managers that practiced unethical behavior,
racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by
working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where
hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it’s a pity that all of our
positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice
for you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and
enjoy the effort and dedication of us “faceless little people” more.
There are many great people that are being over worked and mistreated
but yet are still loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater
mission of providing excellent customer support. Find them and embrace
them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the
moral of this company.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower
salary recipient (“because it’s good for the company”) in India or Tampa
who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this
experience because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in
a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would better
kill myself.

To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being
your co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don’t
bother responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car
doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie.

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